She

I was walking down the wet streets after the midday rain. I was so damn tired; I had done everything to leave home as clean and tidy as were possible, as a last favor to mom, I can bet she was angry as hell because this and my university quitting. I'm sure, dad will comfort her when I'm gone, he would think this is better, so much money wasted on me and those stupid psychiatrists. My little bro may miss me, I left a letter to him, at least he'll know why I left like this, but he'll still considering me some kind of madman, something like that.

                The street ended and the forest started, wet and earth-like smelling, the same one I had been lost so long ago. Everybody tells me I made up the story, that it is a lie, I wouldn’t lie about that. I think it's real, I know it was.

                I walked in, stepping the same steps I step before. I went down the ravine that suddenly divided the forest in two cold parts. It was just how as I remembered, dark black rock but now wet and slippery.  For a while, I kept descending and somehow all seemed bigger and overwhelming, like an asphyxiating feeling over me. Then, I found it, the rift that split that side of the ravine. Remembering that time we went inside, again, stepping the same steps… I looked around. Where the rift bigger, had it opened over the years? I went into the rift, grabbing myself in the protruding roots that covered the rock walls. As I progressed, my sight was slowly darkening and a chill took over my back, the memories in my head were haunting me.

                It was too abysmal in the rock, too threatening. It felt like I was going to the very own Earth's bowels. I was so excited, the veins in the wall were the same I had saw before, but that time we had a flashlight. I was so, so close, so close of my cause, the reason to left my whole life behind, she, I was going to see her again.

                That time I was with her in a… kind of secret date, I could say. The feeling of being so alone crossing a wood with the one you love, kissing, that naughty looks, so unique and teenager-like. I had met her that autumn, we got attracted at the first sight, and everybody seemed not to know her. That time we had skipped class and she guided me here and suddenly, without wavering she fell, so simply, with a smile in her white coffee-like face, she just fell into the darkness in front of me. I jumped after her, trying to catch her in the fall, but she just banished in my arms like mist. Then I woke up in the hospital, my parents crying with a disappointed and broke hearted look in their faces, sitting beside me. Everyone said I tried to kill myself, I didn't understand, I did not care, I was only concerned about she, no one believed I were with her, no one cared about her, just me.

                All this years she had been with me, in memory, in my heart, my mind. Her memory in my dreams, waiting for me, reminding me how much I did love her, how much I’m still loving her. I know she is there, in some way. I'm not afraid anymore, I know I can be with her.

                I didn't realized, the roots had almost disappeared and I couldn't keep descending, damn it. And her voice, whispering in my neck, interrupting my thoughts, calling my name. Was it really her voice? I know, not a memory, my ears weren't betraying me. I could feel her, her lips in my neck, her hands in my chest. "Thanks for coming here" she told me like a cry and hugged me. I wanted to hug her back, kiss her and feel her soft skin. The urge was killing me, tears were coming out of my eyes, to which I promised to not to cry again.  She called my name again, I could see her, her pretty and frizzed hair, her eyes staring at me with surfed repentance. I needed to touch her, just a little touch to her face to dry a tear that her eyes were spilling.

                I hugged her. A relief came out. Just have her in my arms again, just one more time. She gave me a broken kiss. I kissed her back releasing all that I've got those years contained inside me, softly killing me, keeping me in a synesthesia, daydreaming nightmares. "I'm so sorry" she whispered with her voice crooked in pieces of sadness; I didn't understand and I drew a slim smile in my lips, in the happiest moment of my life, surrounding her with my arms, the reality kicked me in the balls. Now I can barely see a thin line of sky from the bottom of the rift. I think the pain is too much so I can't feel it as I can't feel my whole body, but I know the heat is abandoning me, so slowly and softly, so sublime.

                "I'm so sorry" said her crooked voice by my side. "I shouldn't have done this, not to you" and her voice broke again drowning herself in her sharp tears.

                "It's fine" I want to say, but the words weren't going to be spoken. I raise my hand – it was like a sense of a hand – and wipe away her tears, she kisses my hand and I know that she knows I'm cold, but also I know I'm not going to feel her, I want to break into tears but I know I won't cry again, just with her one more time, fading into nothing.

Escrito entre 2013-2014