Keep up

I’ve lost myself to many things. Pleasure. Pain. Desperation. Loneliness. And I’ve let me do it. Without regrets, without remorse. And I keep up, without knowing a single thing about me, with fear. I take no satisfaction in this.

                I’m a complete stranger to my future. I don’t know the next minute, I don’t even know the next word. And I keep up, keep on. It seems automatic.

                I don’t know how I should deal this business. I should be dead by now, by my own hand, by other’s, by fate’s or bad luck’s.

                I continue to watch mad man die, insane other to give birth; I have seen years turn older and people giving them away.

                I’ve lost myself to many things that I don’t know how to, actually, keep up with myself, to bear me, how to endure me, how to deal with my inner demons or angels – I don’t even know the difference anymore.

                I stand still, the whole world spinning around me, mad, happy, loving, lonely, angry, indifferent. And I’m losing to it. I’m one revolution behind, a little slower, a little farther, but I’m still here and the world is still spinning – it’s not like it’s going to stop because of me.

                And I don’t know how.

Escrito el 27/09/15